So I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. I've finally gotten an unofficial diagnosis, which'll almost certainly be backed up by an official one next week. I don't feel any better. I should feel relieved that soon I'll be getting, like, help, after nearly two decades of dealing with this, but instead I'm convinced that it'll come "too late." Too late for what, your guess is as good as mine. Too late for me to pass this semester? Probably. Is that what I'm internally freaked about? Probably not.

So, why is it that I act like an unstable lunatic every few months? It's biological. I don't really believe that but I know it's true. That sort of paradoxical thinking is just something I'm used to. Observe, my lengthy explanation of the miracle of human mind. ( cut for length. also mental illness triggering stuff. also let's get real, it's probably pretty boring. ) So there you go. I'm not just nervous about going back to class, I'm actually terrified. It'd be like walking into a snake pit. I wimp out. I just can't do it. They say it's not a matter of willpower, but I don't know, I've forced it down in the past. I don't seem to be capable of that this time. That freaks me out, and I don't think that fear is due to any sort of rogue chemical reaction.

Public entry for the moment. I might rethink that.