I can see it in their eyes—THEY'VE ALREADY DIED INSIDE.

MY ODDS ARE ONLY RAISED BECAUSE MY FAVORITE BANDS ARE AC/DC AND METALLICA, I WEAR THE SAME LEATHER JACKET AROUND 80% OF THE TIME, I SPENT A HUGE PART OF MY CHILDHOOD AND ADOLESCENCE JUMPING FROM MOTEL TO MOTEL AND I AM A DEVOTED OLDER SIBLING WHO SLAVISHLY FOLLOWS MY FATHER'S ORDERS. This is all coincidence but it would give me COMEDIC POTENTIAL.

I don't actually have any survival skills.