I can see it in their eyes—THEY'VE ALREADY DIED INSIDE.

You guys have no way of knowing this, but my cat Quincey is extremely fucking stupid. She's only a bit under average for a cat but that is stupid. She can, however, play fetch. She also eats fucking spiders right in front of me, which is one of the most horrible things I've ever seen, and something I will never stop complaining about. She is eight months old now and has recently had to adapt to eating Fancy Feast, because in this economy all of us must make sacrifices and at least she gets to eat whenever she wants! I'll probably go back to buying her the premium stuff once I have a job again.

My cat is exceptionally ordinary and really has no unique characteristics at all, except for how she's extremely reluctant to destroy human property (score!) and how she's stupid enough that nobody, not even the vet, can determine if she's hearing impaired or not. We can't get her to react to noises like a normal cat, that is all we know! It doesn't really matter, since in one case she's too deaf to go outside and in the other case she's too dumb to go outside. She doesn't want to anyway, she never goes out except for those terrible times when I put a leash on her and take her there, in a perhaps misguided attempt to ~broaden her horizons~, and she spends most of the time either hiding behind me or using her claws to try and hollow out my chest cavity, presumably because she believes she can use it to escape from the burning horror of direct sunlight. And she likes to bite. She only bites me and it's not aggressive and doesn't break the skin, so I guess she just likes the, uh, flavor. Of me.

She's apparently very cute and pretty, though, which is fortunate, since she has like, nothing else going for her.