this fandom is my baby, okay? let me be all pathetic here.

[rocknload]

Okay. So. It wasn't nearly as bad as, say, Wolverine. But that leaves a lot of room for it to be really bad! However, there are ... bright spots among the ... oh, hell, it's bad. It's so bad. I love most of the canon it adds to the franchise itself and I still fucking love the human cast but it's awful and here is why—

- Optimus Prime and Bumblebee are barely in this thing. Optimus is dead for most of it, and Bumblebee is there, but he's not really ... there. Like he's in the background not doing anything at all. In fact, barely any Autobots do anything at all, except for two incredibly annoying new characters with names I never even learned. Edit: also they are racist. I forgot to mention that. It'd have been so much better better if they weren't even there and everything plot-related that they did went to Bumblebee.

- Without the Autobots we spend our robot time instead listening to the Decepticons have silly, boring discussions about their epic evil plots. They aren't very interesting because the Decepticons, sadly, pretty silly and boring. This is what happens when you expand a weak storyline—you show everyone how very weak it is. Why do the Decepticons hate us? Oh, right, they hate humanity. Er, why? Because humanity sucks! Seriously guys the Autobot's apparently historical devotion to protecting specific humans and humanity in general is about a thousand times more interesting than the bad guys wanting to crush us because we're "maggots." And also Prime's refusal to give us advanced weapons, even to protect ourselves? INTERESTING. Never comes up again. Damnit.

- Making Megatron the Fallen's bitch is possibly the worst decision these people made while pretending to plot this thing. God. He had no fangs. He wasn't even slightly scary. IT'S MEGATRON and I don't think he did a goddamn thing. At all! And he wasn't scary. I can't believe it, man, but he wasn't.

- But! Replacing Megatron in the slot of "totally fucking ruthless and terrifying" wasn't the Fallen. It was Optimus. That was either really awesome or really terrible and I'm not sure which, yet. "Give me your face!" Shit, son, are we sure that guy's on our side? And he's going to stay that way? They took Prime's take-no-prisoners strategy and took it to a whole new level, and while this made sense considering what was going on and what happened to him, I don't know if we're supposed to be afraid of the big guy. And he's scary.

- The plot's bogged down by totally unnecessary side plots and characters, and I saw that as someone who loved the first one a lot. Sam's roommate? Why were you in this movie? Simmons? What the hell did you accomplish in this thing?

- I'm really giving the movie a lot of credit, here. I keep talking about the "plot" like it had one. Ahaha! I had no idea what was going on for most of the time.

- As is probably apparent, the robots really left me cold. Especially all the new ones, and like I said, we barely saw the old ones.

- The toilet humor got so old. I thought it'd end and it just never did. I'm not even a snob or a prude when it comes to most of that stuff but there was just too much. In fact, there wasn't really much funny in the movie.

- Did it have a soundtrack? I didn't even notice. Fail, man.

- There was really no crowing moment of awesome.

- Way too much time watching the move the military pieces around. What, are we watching an action movie, or an incredibly dull dull game of Risk?

Like I said, though, I liked most of the canon it introduced, I just think the presentation was godawful—which means this is totally Michael Bay's fault, by the way, all of it—and I'm not going to ignore it or anything because for one I want to write about a bunch of shit that happened, man.

- Sam's mental breakdown. He's still crazy, man. He didn't get better or anything, I'm pretty sure! I hope he didn't. He's going to be seeing things and stuttering and being some kind of idiot genius for the rest of his life.

- Sam and Bumblebee's relationship. I bet some people will not like it, because they spend some of the time sort of fighting and Sam's intentionally trying to distance himself for a lot of the rest of it, but Bumblebee doesn't seem to hold it against him (much) and it's freaking obvious how much Sam depends on that robot. He like, throws himself at Bumblebee when he sees him right after Optimus dies. And whenever stuff goes wrong his first thought is BUMBLEBEE HELP. And then yeah he sort of sucks when he then turns around and goes BUMBLEBEE BACK IN THE GARAGE >/, but he was freaked out and it's pretty obvious that Sam no longer has that worshipful reverence for Bumblebee mixed in with the friendship that he had in the first movie, but that's pretty natural after knowing him for a couple years. They're friends.

- Jesus Christ Mikaela is fucking amazing.

- And Lennox. And Epps. The three of them should go into business together and fight crime. Jesus Christ Lennox threw that man out of an airplane—which is thoroughly in character, considering how he was going to shoot Simmons in the first movie.

- They are so off the charts awesome that Sam can't really keep up. Sam is a special sort of hero. He needs so much help. Anyone who knows me through any fandom at all is probably pretty aware of the fact that I adore Sam Witwicky, so much, and this has not changed. Even if he died and went to robot heaven! Which, by the way, was so incredibly stupid that I was actually laughing in the theater. I still love him. He can be a tool and I still love him.

- His life sucks so hard. Seriously, his life is fucking awful, and the awesomeness of knowing a bunch of good robots doesn't really make up for the bad robots crawling around in his brain. His life will probably continue to suck, worse and worse, getting more and more violent, until the Decepticons finally get lucky and kill him. I really can't see a logical end to this character the way his character has been established. I mean, I know they won't ever kill him in the movies but a happily ever after for this kid makes no sense at all.

- And I know a lot of people hate Shia LaBeouf, but he plays Sam really well. One of the reviews I read called him a "better actor than the material" and that's absolutely true. And even when he's being a tool he makes Sam incredibly endearing and you can see why Mikaela, Bumblebee, Lennox, and everyone else were each freaking out in their own special way when he was dead.

- No real drama there, either, though. We all knew he was coming back, right?

- God, robot heaven. Oh, right, this is the list for the good stuff, right?

- ... Jesus Christ Mikaela was fucking amazing.

- I was wrong about all the new robots being underused or lame. Jetfire, that was the old guy's name, right? He was interesting, endearing, and cool. He also died in a way that was totally fucking horrifying, but hey, we can't have everything, right? It was actually the only robot death that made me cringe at all—'cause c'mon, we all knew Optimus was coming back, too, right?

Expect me to possibly change my mind upon reviewings, because I am probably going to see it again. I didn't hate it, it was just really badly done, mostly it was badly directed? How can I like and hate something at the same time? I have no idea. But I have no qualms at all about laying almost everything that sucked right at the feet of that wicked, wicked man—Michael Bay. He clearly had no idea what the strengths were in the first movie and he played up a lot of the wrong things while leaving out a bunch of the stuff that worked, and ... augh, here is hoping for a better Transformers 3.

Edit: Oh, and Avatar looks hilariously terrible. Like, it'll be good to see it. For laughing. My brother and sister apparently had no idea about the M. Night Shyamalan thing because when they realized what they were watching, they stared at the screen in blank unseeing horror and Bryce said, "... What a twist?"

And I'm sorry to my fandom buddies, I don't know if you guys will agree with me or not about how bad this movie was, but I still like Transformers! I just ... need some good fic or something to soothe away a lot of what I just saw. I might also be less irritated when I wake up tomorrow, I am very tired.

Comments

[maxiboom.livejournal.com]

Robot heaven?

Also, was the Avatar trailer the one with the generic narration while the Aang kid blows out candles in a temple? Because while that's a pretty boring trailer it tells me nothing about the movie, so I don't have any assumptions yet. Unless there is more.

[rocknload.livejournal.com]

Well, I'm vaguely aware of the whole race thing around Avatar, but I don't watch the show so I'm not terribly invested. But it tells me that M. Night Shamalyn is doing it, and he's an awful writer and director, it tells me that they have nothing cool to show, they don't want us to see anyone actually talking ... but, it was really more of a feeling than anything. And I'd put a lot of money on that feeling!

[maxiboom.livejournal.com]

He's a impossibly bad writer, as is continually evidenced by the people that give him money to do that due to insanity, but I would disagree with the assertion that he can't direct! He can frame a shot beautifully, when his head is out of his own intestines long enough for him to look at what he's doing.

For all I know he is doing writing on this though and then oh lord there is no hope. Still! It's a teaser trailer, to my knowledge. S'too soon. I REMAIN NEEDLESSLY OPTIMISTIC!

[unicorn]

MY THOUGHTS:

I enjoyed the movie, but yeah. Yeah. The fight scenes were stunningly badass. Bumblebee wasn't around enough. Why the hell was Megatron not the main villian. Optimus's character arc was completely convincing from everything that was established before, and that pleased me, because I like Ambiguous Prime. MIKAELA MIKAELA MIKAELA MIKAELA MIKAELA

The one really interesting facet they added was Jetfire switching sides because THE DECEPTICONS WERE JERKS, I mean, how great was that! And then he died horribly.

I felt like the movie deteriorated sharply after things actually started moving, because dude, we know Sam isn't going to die, we know Optimus isn't really going to die, the whole theater is agonizingly aware of this why are you dragging it out. Utter failure of pacing, and I feel that the pacing was one of the first movie's strengths - that they'd bring you to a wtf is going on moment and then slam you with something incredible and epic, like the arrival to earth.

I am not even going to talk about the robot succubus or the racism.

ROBOT HEAVEN! How did Sam's parents and Bee even show up there, anyway, they were supposed to be running away from the explosions.

[rocknload.livejournal.com]

I couldn't really see most of the fight scenes, due to the seating arrangements. D: THEY, UH, SOUNDED REALLY ... LOUD.

I think they were there so that Bee could fall dramatically to his knees. You just failed at your entire mission in life, Bumblebee, ahahaha, not to mention the mission you were just supposed to carry out because dude, Sam's parents are still freaking there.

GOD THAT PART WAS BORING. I mean, the whole epic fight scene was boring. I think because there was no emotional stake at that point -- in the equivalent scene in the last movie, you'd just had Bumblebee's legs blown off and Sam crying about that and Mikaela was all WE MUST RESCUE BUMBLEBEE and then Sam was running around screaming -- it doesn't seem much different than this but it worked way better. I think we needed something terrible to happen to Bumblebee in this movie. He's not obviously immortal like the other two.

I'm also starting to think that pretty much what everyone has always been saying about the movies -- that we need to see more robot interaction, the humans are shown too much, et cetera -- is just wrong. The less they leave to our imagination, the ... I don't want to say lamer, but the robots just don't work in these movies, and the more we see them talking the less willing I am to buy them. I DON'T THINK I AM ALONE IN THIS. I mean, I love the robots, but they just aren't writing them as BADASS ALIEN LIFEFORMS well enough.

WHAT THE HECK IS ROBOT HEAVEN MAN

I need to write something about how utterly insane Sam is becoming like right freaking how. DUDE. He's so screwed up. He's so screwed up!

ALSO RE: SAM, I HOPE HE LEARNED HIS LESSON ABOUT "THIS WAR IS OVER, I DON'T NEED YOU GUYS PROTECTING ME ANYMORE."

[unicorn]

Bumblebee completely shanked the asshole who was holding Sam's parents hostage because Sam whispered "Kill him, Bee" - like, COMPLETELY SHANKED HIM in a HOLY SHIT moment where you stopped to think HOW LONG HAS THIS KID ROBOT BEEN FIGHTING FOR HIS LIFE TO GET THIS GOOD - and for a moment I was willing to forgive the movie everything.

ALL OF HUMANITY NEEDED TO LEARN THAT LESSON AHAHAHA "Oh, awe-inspiring alien lifeforms who are inexplicably willing to protect us, the government wants you to go away. Sorry dudes!"

I think you're spot on with the alien thing! The Transformers are really most effective in the kind of thing shown in the first movie, where they were relatable but still so damn foreign. That was part of what made Bee and Sam's friendship so poignant in the first place, that you had these two utterly different entities and somehow there was this trust established. There is a line between humanoid and too human, and they were using these amazing goddamn robots for the same racist gags as the black guy with the snaggleteeth in Simmons's meat shop? Jesus.

ROBOT HEAVEN IS COMPLETELY UNEXPLAINED AND INEXPLICABLE though for fairness's sake I'm pretty sure most of the G1 plots were no better than this movie.

[rocknload.livejournal.com]

I NEED TO SEE IT AGAIN, CLEARLY. And yeah, Sam, clearly you no longer need your robot protector. CLEARLY. Bee really seemed like a robot kid in this movie, they way he reacted when Sam was ditching him for college, the way he reacted when Sam was all, "I understand if you hate me Bee." and decided to donate his brain to the Decepticons. A SCREWED UP ROBOT KID WHO LIKE, I DOn'T KNOW, TAKES OUT EVIL ROBOT'S SPINES? Again, I could not really tell what was happening.

That guy got thrown out of an airplane, though! Ahahah! Also Obama was clearly sucking in this movie, though I'm sure that they just wrote the president's name as ______ until they found out who won the presidential election.

I THOUGHT YOU WEREN"T GOING TO TALK ABOUT THE RACISM D:

That is entirely true! And yeah, I don't think they actually sat down and said, "Okay, guys, let's make sure this movie is true to the source material and make sure it's just as dumb, okay?" That was Speed Racer's schtick.

[unicorn]

I looooooved Bee in this movie. What we SAW of him. Also, yes, he tore Ravage's spine out and whipped the other guy in the face with it. It was magical.

IT WAS FUNNY

Oh. That's right.

No. No they didn't. We should write the writers a long letter detailing all of our grievances, they might be nerdy enough to understand.

[rocknload.livejournal.com]

There was absolutely no reason to include so little Bumblebee man. Absolutely none. What the hell were they thinking I mean it was pretty goddamn obvious that everyone who loved the first movie loved the hell out of Bee.

LENNOX CONTINUES TO KICK ASS AND TAKE NAMES

That is right, indeed. We must ignore it until we encounter the inevitable fan who insists there was no racism--then after we kick their asses we go back to pretending it isn't there. HOW DO YOU LIKE MY PLAN?

Michael Bay will just be all, this movie made a zillion freaking dollars, of course it rocked. We must change nothing.

[unicorn]

Bee was amazing! EVERYTHING NEEDS MORE BEE. Maybe they got bored of finding sound clips to be his voice - that was another thing that smacked of "let's keep doing things from the first movie with no real knowledge of what it was about the first movie that people liked." People liked Bee because he was ADORABLE, not because he couldn't talk! They could've easily mixed up him playing the radio with talking.

LENNOX MUST STAY IN THE MOVIES FOREVER. EPPS TOO.

I will follow your plan faithfully!

We could kill him.

[rocknload.livejournal.com]

How could they not realize what people liked in the first movie! Now I'm sort of terrified that Nu!Trek 2 will cut down the character interaction so that we have more time to hear more about the bad science and watch them senselessly nuke more planets--after all, everyone loved Star Trek XI!

WHO ELSE WILL BREAK MILITARY RULES RIGHT AND FREAKING LEFT, MAN. I think it's pretty obvious that the NEST dudes have a different commander than the US government thinks, though they're probably pretty aware of that, now! I wonder if they will keep their jobs.

EXCELLENT

Then who will make another one?

[unicorn]

Oh my god, I hate nu as a substitute for new, IT IS ONE MORE LETTER. I don't know what they will do, it is a question that fills me with mild dread. Mild because I'm more enamored of TF than NewTrek, to be honest. I am worried more about TF3.

THEY HAD BETTER!

...I don't trust any directors enough. And Michael Bay WAS good for the first movie, he was just. Doing something this time. Did you notice all the LET US CIRCLE AROUND AND AROUND THE SUBJECT OF THE SHOT camera stuff? What was that all about.

[rocknload.livejournal.com]

It comes from nu-metal, I think! And you know how metal folks are with their weird spellings. I'll be worried more about which movie comes first. Good thing I am already totally disappointed and unthrilled about Iron Man, if I cultivate this attitude right then none of my movie fandoms will let me down. Hooray.

PRESIDENT OBAMA DOESN'T LIKE THE AUTOBOTS AND THE NEST GUYS ANSWER ONLY TO OPTIMUS PRIME, THIS HAS GOT TO CAUSE SOME PROBLEMS.

His directing was terrible. It just was. He's a terrible director so this isn't particularly surprising honestly, maybe he just got lucky with the first one? I think the actors and voice actors pretty much pulled this out of being completely godawful.

[unicorn]

What is up with Iron Man? Anything since the dreaded sidekick substitution?

SURELY HE WILL COME AROUND. HE AND OPTIMUS PRIME CAN CHAT, I AM SURE THAT THEY WOULD GET ALONG.

... D:

[rocknload.livejournal.com]

That's pretty much all it took for me! Also whenever the director or RDJ talk about it they say they're going way more artsy for this film which is just, oh geez, no.

WHO COULD NOT LIKE OPTIMUS PRIME MAN

Also why do Sam's parents hate Bumblebee I just now remembered that.

[unicorn]

I think that his mom was just freaked out. His dad didn't say anything one way or another. He's been in their garage for two years, so I think his mom just probably views him like a freaky pet - YOU ARE TAKING THAT SNAKE WITH YOU TO COLLEGE, YOUNG MAN, I CAN'T LIVE WITH HIM IN MY GARAGE.

[rocknload.livejournal.com]

She called him Sam's "psychotic robot," though--I WONDER WHAT HAPPENED TO EARN HIM THAT, I mean all he'd done a minute ago was save all their lives. Unless they thought he caused the appliances coming to life but that'd be sort of dumb.

[unicorn]

Well, I imagine that he'd reacted to previous percieved threats by shooting up the shrubbery till he learned not to be so twitchy. Did you notice how chill Sam's dad was about half the house getting blown up?

I really want to think more about what Sam said to him, about how the dignity of an Autobot demanded more than being attached to a human and living in his garage. It's... hm. An interesting thought!

[rocknload.livejournal.com]

It's the start of their remodel!

Sam was also trying to get rid of him. In a kind sort of way. Though he definitely meant it, too! That was also before Sam met those obnoxious twins, maybe he now realizes that being an Autobot does not guarantee you any honor and dignity at all. Thanks, movie, thanks.

[unicorn]

He totally was trying to get rid of him kindly, but I can see Sam sitting up at night going WHY WOULD HE EVEN BE IN MY GARAGE ANYWAY, I AM JUST A NORMAL KID. NORMAL. NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL NORMAL.

[rocknload.livejournal.com]

GOD HE MUST BE SO BORED OUT THERE. IS HE REALLY STAYING HERE BECAUSE OF ME? GEEZ HE MUST BE RESENTFUL AND BORED AND MAN, GETTING HIM TO GO BACK TO OPTIMUS WILL BE GOOD FOR HIM. THAT'S WHERE HE BELONGS.

Something terrible should've totally happened to Bumblebee. Not only would it have made the ending actually interesting, Sam could then have realized what he was actually saying when he told Bee to go back to Optimus. STOP HANGING OUT WITH ME, DON'T YOU HAVE A WAR TO FIGHT?

[unicorn]

Bee hero worships the heck out of Optimus, which is one of the things that made me go D: when Optimus died and he just told Sam that Sam was his first priority.

CLEARLY THE AUTOBOTS LET BEE STAY WITH SAM BECAUSE THEY ANTICIPATED ALL THIS, OTHERWISE IT MAKES NO SENSE. Maybe all the braintrauma started out when he first touched the cube and the shard just woke it up.

[unicorn]

I see we have moved from complaining about the movie to justifying the plot holes! I think that is a good sign.

[rocknload.livejournal.com]

THAT WAS A SAD SCENE OVERALL. "I understand if you hate me, Bee!" What the hell was that! YES, SAM, YOU TOTALLY GOT OPTIMUS KILLED. YOU BASTARD. And they might've come after Sam before, just for regular revenge and stuff. Like you said, they're used to the house being trashed!

Also I just realized that the fic I half-wrote that was supposed to take place after the first movie? Was not contradicted by this new movie at all. HOW WEIRD. Mostly because they totally ignored Barricade. I guess he's still wandering around, being a cop car and a jerk.

WE HAVE TO DO WHAT WE CAN. WE CANNOT FILL THEM ALL IN BUT WE CAN TRY, DAMNIT.

[unicorn]

Well, I still think Barricade is technically dead by book canon and things, it just never got shown onscreen. NONETHELESS. And I have to wonder why they didn't use the shard to revive Jazz...? His spark casing must've gotten ripped open or something in some unfixable way.

YOU SHOULD FINISH THAT FIC AND WRITE MORE FIC. IT WILL HELP WITH THE PLOT HOLES.

[rocknload.livejournal.com]

I thought Michael Bay was going to do something with him? SINCE ONLY MOVIE CANON REALLY COUNTS? And ah, Jazz. I'm sort of glad they didn't bring him back because if no robots ever die it would be lame, but yeah, it's not particularly logical.

I HAD THE FIRST PART ALL WRITTEN AND READY TO BE POSTED AND SHIT. IT IS SITTING HERE NOW. STARING AT ME. SADLY. But I wrote it a long time ago so it's possible that it actually sucked, hn.

... And I've, uh, started another one, too. I have a problem with this sort of thing.

[unicorn]

Tell me about the new one on gtalk now.

[mystified.livejournal.com]

I thought it was good :( I mean, it's something I expected from Michael Bay. Though afterward, me and my friend sat in the car going "Why was Megatron the Fallen's bitch? He answers to no one D:"

[rocknload.livejournal.com]

Weeeeeeell, Transformers has really been like my main fandom for the last ... several years. I've metaed the hell out of that movie, so I was really aware of the stuff I like about the movie, the stuff I thought was dumb and what I thought they did well and what they sucked at and et cetera. I seriously spent a lot of this movie checking my watch and that's just not right for a Transformers movie.

[scarbie.livejournal.com]

I do agree with you that the movie was bad. But it wasn't as terrible as I thought it would be. I totally feel you on Megatron and the minimal screen time for the Autobots we know and love. I hated Mudflap and Skids, what was the point of having them in the movie. We didn't even see them at the end.

Lennox and Epps are awesome. I love their characters and were able to see them again.

I may be in the minority but I liked Simmons character though I could've done without knowing what type of underwear he favors. The roommate Leo started off annoying me but once he got into that antagonistic banter with Simmons I liked him a lot. Simmons got the Navy to use their top secret rail gun to destroy whatshisname. Point taken about not knowing the robots' names. *lol*

The "Give me your face" line was hardcore and I didn't expect it to come from Optimus but he is a badass and I thought it was kinda cool we saw that side of him.

I didn't really notice the movie's soundtrack with the exception of the song playing at the frat party because I knew I recognized it and was wondering who the hell remade it. But for the life of me I can't remember what the song was now. :(

[bustahead.livejournal.com]

So so true.

The only thing I would disagree on would be the inclusion of humans at all. Okay, I know they're meant to be there so then the audience can have somebody to identify and sympathise with, but maybe it's just me but I didn't give a shit about ANY of the humans.

Half the time, I was sitting in the theatre, my lips pursed like a cat's bottom and wondering just WHY they even had to have humans in the damned thing anyway.

Or why it had to be set on Earth in the first place.

It would have been more interesting to have some plot set in Cybertron, to see just how the shit unfolded. But that's just my opinion.

Also keep in mind I'm sort of tipsy as I write this so if this sounds incoherent, my apologies.